Subject: Help Armadillo

From: [email-masked]
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 10:16:49 -0500 (EST)

pls advise how to get rid of an armadillo. yard sprayed holes filled in but
he justs digs another hole. live in very very heavy plant area and  can not
remove or cut plants down HELP

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From: "Colin J. Raven" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 11:50:46 -0800 (PST)

There are few known methods for ridding your yard of armadillos, and the
few known anfd tested methods are fairly drastic in nature. Before we
begin, you should realize that some really fundamental alterations are
going to take place in the topography of your yard. Here are a few ways to
rid yourself of this annoying critter:
1) Place a tripwire around the perimeter of his most frequently used hole,
this should be wired to an 88mm mortar placed sufficiently far away from
the hole as to assure maximum shell trajectory and accuracy. The next time
he surfaces....BOOM..he's armadillo meat, served up table ready, and
without those annoying shell fragments usually associated with mortared
dinner.
2)Create a number of "intersecting fields of fire" around the known
egress holes, and mount 50mm machine guns and grenade launchers
alternately around the hemispherically defined limit of the free fire zone
you have just created. Now this method will work, but  has the
disadvantage of not yielding lunch. Lead fragments are hazardous to human
health, and can damage dental work as well.
3) (My own preferred method) As in #2 above, create your fire zones, but
place Claymore anti-personnel charges in an arc around each hole.
Tripwires will be required of course, and care should be exercised to
ensure that your domestic pets do not stray into this most lethal kill
zone.....for example, it's a known fact that Claymore mines can short
circuit all of a cats' nine lives simultaneously.
4) This is perhaps the single most effective method of all, but can result
in large scale asset destruction. It accomplishes the objective, but
causes massive collateral damage. The theory is to cause an enormous
explosion, somewhat analogous to a below ground thermonuclear detonation.
The steps are shown below:
	a) Dig a hole in the center of your yard (measure carefully,
please) approximately 35 feet deep,(plus or minus two feet) and ten feet
in diameter.
	b) Place at least 400 lbs of either submarine gelignite,
"Plastique" (or any readily available former Soviet Union equivalent) in
the base of the hole. I strongly recommend a *very* remote hard wired
detonator, as opposed to any radio frequency method, because calling your
buddy on the cell 'phone to inform him of your triumphant "Ultimate
Armadillo Solution" could inadvertently destroy YOU as well as the
armadillo and the rest of your neighborhood. 
	c) 250 gallons of aviation fuel(JP5 is without doubt the way to go
here) immediately above the explosive.(A fuel bladder works, and explodes
in a more satisfying manner than a tank or other means of containment)
	d) 200+ lbs of commercial fertilizer packed tightly around the
fuel bladder and on top of it.
	e) Fill in earth above the contents of the hole, illuminate the
entire area thoroughly, retreat to a safe distance, arm your detonator,
wait for nightfall, and patiently await the arrival of your annoying
garden pest.
	f) Detonate immediately upon sight of this 'lil fella crawling out
of his hole.
I guarantee the results of option number four, you won't have a
neighborhood left to speak of, but by gum you *WILL* eliminate the
armadillo, most vegetation, the greater majority of any neighborhood
structures, and any other horticultural pests that formerly inhabited your
yard.
I do hope this helps!
Robin, did I miss anything?? It's been a while since I had to get rid of a
common garden pest.
-Colin

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From: Drop the Sanctions <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 16:44:50 -0800 (PST)

> remove or cut plants down HELP

What Colin J. Raven suggests will work, but I think it would be best for
you to contract this job to someone who already has the necessary weapons
of mass destruction.   (Besides, I've got to use them up before those
savage Americans get to me!)  Contact me at the address below for further
information:

Saddam Hussein
Somewhere in Baghdad
(My friends know where I am hiding)
Iraq

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From: Lea <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 23:39:42 -0700 (MST)

> savage Americans get to me!)  Contact me at the address below for further

Oh, for crying out loud.

SoDamn Insane, aren't you kind of busy to be drumming up new
business right at the moment?  And while I appreciate Colin's
attention to detail, might I gently point out....it's an
ARMADILLO, OK? 

As in, get out the damn shotgun, and wait on the porch.  Geez.

Lea

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From: "Robin S. Socha" <[email-masked]>
Date: 17 Nov 1997 09:03:48 +0100

>> "L" == Lea  <[email-masked]> writes:
L> On Sun, 16 Nov 1997, Drop the Sanctions wrote:
>> > pls advise how to get rid of an armadillo. yard sprayed holes
>> > filled in but he justs digs another hole. live in very very heavy
>> > plant area and can not remove or cut plants down HELP
L> Oh, for crying out loud.  SoDamn Insane, aren't you kind of busy
L> to be drumming up new business right at the moment?  And while I
L> appreciate Colin's attention to detail, might I gently point
L> out....it's an ARMADILLO, OK?
L> As in, get out the damn shotgun, and wait on the porch.  Geez.

May I kindly suggest Armadillo-baseball? Huh-huh, KeWL, huh-huh...

Robin

-- 
Robin S. Socha M.A.
Political Science Dept., Bonn University 
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